Lonely and bitter: how to "survive" the holidays during wartime.

“War on the Streets. Is it Time to Celebrate?”

If you feel even a slight desire to celebrate, then you should. Restrictions and feelings of guilt will only suppress you and can lead to frustration, followed by depression, ultimately resulting in a loss of meaning.

Psychologists emphasize that our psyche perceives the marking of dates as a continuity of life. Life goes on, which means we can still do something and generate energy for struggle, growth, and achievement.

You can create a “festive mood” entirely on your own through small steps—like setting up a Christmas tree or branches, or gathering with people you love.

“The year changes regardless, and the date arrives all the same. For some, it’s an occasion to gather the whole family; for others, it’s a time to write a reflective journal; and for the tax office, it’s about annual reports. We cannot return to pre-war life. We won’t be able to forget these three years. And we won’t get that feeling back. We can only gather as a family around the table, decorate the tree, invent St. Nicholas, and create a fairy tale for the children,” says psychologist Vera Romanova.

If you hold yourself back due to guilt towards soldiers, neighbors, or anyone else, it signals that there’s nowhere left to move.

“People are saying a lot right now: there’s no point in doing this. But if we stop everything, we will effectively help our enemies to crush us morally. My colleagues and I discussed that Russia is betting on the morale of Ukrainians—not on shelling but on breaking their will and desire to live and develop,” explains Olga Golubitskaya.

Psychologists remind us that celebrations can take many forms—whether in a loud group or quietly sitting with family by the tree and then going to sleep. This will give a sense of belonging, which is one of the fundamental human needs.

However, it’s essential to be mindful of possible emotional downturns, especially if you consume alcohol—it can “take you to the heights and then drop you painfully back to earth.” This can lead to apathy, which may herald a depressive state.

“Here Comes Politics at the Table, There Will Be a Quarrel”

Most Ukrainians cannot afford to disengage from politics, so the chances that this topic will come up during your gathering are slim. Psychologists view holidays as a good time for reconciliation and finding compromises on pressing issues. But how can this be achieved?

First, when you sense that a conversation about politics is starting, ask yourself if you have the strength for this. And whether you truly need to share something valuable and important before falling into a rhetorical trap.

Discussions on contentious topics should be encouraged when participants approach the conversation with intellectual honesty and a genuine interest in one another’s thoughts, and when these conversations are conducted non-violently and with respect for others.

Moreover, it’s important to separate the discussion of a specific topic from relationships with the participants.

“We often find ourselves in situations where we lose focus on the subject of the conversation during a discussion. For example: ‘You think differently than I do? That means you’re a bad friend.’ Or: ‘Last year you thought Christmas should be on the 25th, and I thought it should be on the 7th. You didn’t support me; I don’t need you. Everyone else thinks differently now, which means I’ve been unloved,’” says psychologist Romanova.

Your emotions may be an unconscious interpretation. In such cases, it’s advisable to pause and reflect on the essence of the situation. But for this, you need to be aware that you are already experiencing strong emotions.

“It’s not difficult at all to enter into strong emotions right now. It’s as simple as matches. There’s no time to be aware: we are used to either feeling emotions or acting—arguing, sending someone away, feeling everything from start to finish,” says the psychologist.

Ultimately, if you find it hard to look at the situation from a higher perspective in the moment, it may help to physically change your surroundings—put on your shoes and go listen to the crunch of snow underfoot.

Psychologists emphasize that during wartime, it’s crucial to remember that the enemy is likely not sitting at your table.

“I Have No One to Celebrate With, I Always Feel Lonely”

During the pre-New Year period, we are surrounded by stories of happy and accomplished people—in movies, advertisements, and holiday shows. Sometimes this can make us feel the weight of sadness and loneliness even more acutely, especially if you find yourself in a situation where you have no close ones or seemingly no place among the scattered groups in your environment.

“Almost all movies are about someone being in a couple, someone finding someone. And they amplify the feeling of being a failure in people—like you haven’t found anyone. Or it’s not right, and you will never find [yours]. It heightens the feeling that you haven’t achieved some goal or dream,” explains Olga Golubitskaya.

However, one should not fight against natural, healthy existential sadness—spending more effort on battling it than simply experiencing it, believes Vera Romanova.

If you don’t understand the cause of your depressed state, it might be wise to seek psychological assistance to avoid missing potential illness.

Psychologists note that we feel lonely not when we lack people but when we cannot find a genuine connection with those people. When social contacts are somehow lost, it often occurs not so much due to external circumstances but likely due to internal ones. For instance, people in depression tend to self-isolate.

“This is part of how depression sustains itself. I feel bad, so I decline invitations. I don’t want to ruin other people’s moods; they won’t understand; I simply don’t have the strength for it. So I skip the meeting a second time, a third time—and invitations stop coming. I don’t send them, and the cycle closes.”

It can also be very difficult for people with social anxiety. If you feel that your loneliness stems from internal reasons, it’s something you can discuss with a sensitive psychologist,” says Diana Nagornaya, a specialist in cognitive-behavioral therapy.

If you feel lonely but are not depressed, a solution may be to seek new good friends, for instance, based on shared interests. It might be worth considering how to adjust your lifestyle. For example, create a new tradition for yourself or go to places where you’ll be among people—at New Year’s and Christmas events, theatrical performances, etc.

Psychologist Olga Golubitskaya also advises choosing a feeling of small accomplishment within yourself.

“You can decide for yourself: ‘Okay, I’m officially celebrating New Year’s/Christmas alone today, not connecting with anyone, and watching some movies. I’m hugging my dog/cat/parrot/no one at all.’ But do it officially. Not as if you’ve stolen it from yourself. But give yourself official permission for such a celebration,” explains the psychologist.

“I Miss My Loved Ones Whom I Can’t See”

Due to the war, hundreds of thousands of families are apart during the holidays. The main advice from psychologists is to try to establish contact with those we miss.

“A festive gesture of care to loved ones at the front is wonderful. Setting a beautiful table for yourself, taking a photo, and sending it to your wife in Canada is also wonderful. You should find any way to create that moment of connection, that touch with those who cannot physically be with us right now,” advises Diana Nagornaya.

You can organize shared time remotely, such as watching movies online together and discussing them. Or let someone know that you’ll dedicate a part of your time to them.

“Say, ‘You know, at 10 o’clock I’ll light our favorite candles and think of you.’ This creates a kind of magic of presence. It’s also about the fact that I can influence something in this life. Because usually, when someone is very far away, the inability to influence or touch them can be oppressive. If you have the opportunity to send a message in any way, it’s worth sending some plan and saying, ‘I’ll spend the whole day as if I were with you. I want you to know,’” advises Olga Golubitskaya.

“During the Holidays, I Experience Loss”

It is even more challenging for those whose inability to be with loved ones during the holiday period is related to death.

When we talk about loss, there are two approaches—the “path of life” and the “path of memory,” explains Diana Nagornaya. The “path of life” means that we strive to live our lives even during mourning. After all, our loved ones wouldn’t want our lives to pause. The “path of memory” highlights the connection with those who are no longer